Did anyone teach you how to have difficult conversations? We can learn through watching our parents, friends, and TV. Were these lessons helpful? Did those talks end with a door slam, resolution or love? Did you get to see how or why they moved on? Therapy can help us learn how to have hard talks. In individual therapy you can process how you deal with and approach difficult conversations. In couples or relationship therapy you can have difficult conversations with someone guiding you and practicing tools. Here’s one free tool to try out.

The Gottman Institute created the Gentle Start Up. It’s a way to set the tone of a conversation from the very beginning. In one study, researchers were able to predict future divorce from the first 3 minutes of a difficult conversation (Carrère & Gottman, 1999)! This is why how you start the conversation is so important. The goal of the Gentle Start Up is to bring up difficult feelings with less defensiveness or accusations.

The Gentle Start Up format:

I feel ___ when ___ and I need _____.

I FEEL

✨ Express your feelings. Use a feelings wheel to help explain your feelings.

✨ Focus on “I” statements- talk about your perspective, your emotions, your experience.

✨ Others can’t know what you feel unless you tell them.

Gentle start: I feel insecure when… I felt withdrawn …I feel overwhelmed.. I feel guilty when….

Harsh start: You made me feel… Why did you… Were you going to….

WHEN

✨ Use a specific example.

✨ Try to avoid focusing on a pattern.

✨ It’s easy to get distracted and get stuck in a loop -“that was one time!” “What about when you did [X].” This keeps defensiveness high. Then you’re unsure when or how to stop, because the focus is on scoring points rather than being heard or finding a solution.

Gentle start: “When there’s dirty dishes in the dishwasher and sink after dinner”

Harsh start: “You never help out around the house.”

I NEED

✨ State a positive need or ask.

✨ Offer the other person something they can do rather than “just stop”.

✨ Ask for what you need.

Gentle start: I need to create a routine together for days I work late… I need a hug.. I need to just complain without critiques or solutions…

Harsh start: You need to do better… Can you use your brain for once… Try not being self centered.

A gentle start up can sound like:

“I feel guilty when I come home on Wednesdays and all of my normal chores are waiting. I need to come up with a new routine together. ”

Have you been avoiding difficult conversations? Have you tried bringing it up, but it always ends in a fight? Try the Gentle Start Up! See if it helps to shift the tone to a conversation rather than a fight.

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The research article: Carrère S, Gottman JM. Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Fam Process. 1999 Fall;38(3):293-301. doi: 10.1111/j.1545-5300.1999.00293.x. PMID: 10526767.